Performance Reviews

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance valuations in a large US Corporation:

• "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

• "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

• "I would not allow this employee to breed."

• "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

• "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

• "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

• "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

• "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

• "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

• "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

• "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

• "He's been working with glue too much."

• "He would argue with a signpost."

• "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

• "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

• "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

• "A prime candidate for natural deselection."

• "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

• "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

• "It's hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg."

• "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

• "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

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