If men TRULY ran the world:

  1. Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards
  2. When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she'd appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out
  3. Breaking up would be a lot easier. A smack to the ass and a "Nice hustle, you'll get 'em next time" would pretty much do it
  4. Birth control would come in ale or lager
  5. Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice
  6. The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO
  7. "Sorry I'm late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness
  8. At the end of the workday, a whistle would blow and you'd jump out your window and slide down the tail of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone
  9. Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance
  10. Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You're #1!"
  11. Valentine's Day would be moved to February 29th so it would only occur in leap years
  12. On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you'd get the day off to go drinking. Mother's Day, too
  13. St. Patrick's Day, however, would remain exactly the same, but it would be celebrated every month
  14. Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or to the crooks
  15. Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history
  16. The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
  17. Every man would get four real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year
  18. When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine. As in: Cop: "You know how fast you were going?" You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place." Cop: "Nice one. That's $10 off"
  19. Faucets would run "Hot," "Cold," and "100 proof."
  20. Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.

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