A transcript of the new answering service recently installed at the Mental Health Institute

Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.

• If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
• If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
• If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
• If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
• If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
• If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
• If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press - no-one will answer.
• If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969.
• If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until a representative comes on the line.
• If you have amnesia press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number and your mother's maiden name.
• If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
• If you have BI-polar disorder, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep. Or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
• If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
  If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
• If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you.