Before criticizing someone, walk a mile in their shoes.
Then when you do criticize them, you will be a mile away and have their shoes.

To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around.
That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" You can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."

I believe in making the world safe for our children, but not our children's children,
because I don't think children should be having sex.

If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is,
"Probably because of something you did."

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror,
because I bet that's what REALLY throws you into a panic.

Whenever I see an old lady slip and fall on a wet sidewalk, my first instinct is to laugh.
But then I think, what if I was an ant and she fell on me. Then it wouldn't seem quite so funny.

To me, boxing is like a ballet,
except there's no music, no choreography and the dancers hit each other.

If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future,
it's probably best to avoid eye contact.

If you ever reach total enlightenment while you're drinking a beer,
I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.

I hope some animal never bores a hole in my head and lays its eggs in my brain, because later you might think you're having a good idea but it's just eggs hatching.

Whenever you read a good book, it's like the author is right there, in the room talking to you,
which is why I don't like to read good books.

Instead of a trap door, what about a trap window? The guy looks out it, and if he leans too far, he falls out. Wait. I guess that's like a regular window.

During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because
you were "just going down to the corner."

When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police.
But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.

If you're a cowboy and you're dragging a guy behind your horse,
I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.

For mad scientists who keep brains in jars, here's a tip:
why not add a slice of lemon to each jar, for freshness?

I'd like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he's flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground.
Now that's a documentary.

If I was the head of a country that lost a war, and I had to sign a peace treaty, just as I was signing, I'd glance over the treaty and then suddenly act surprised.
"Wait a minute! I thought we won!"

I hope that after I die, people will say of me:
"That guy sure owed me a lot of money."

I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar,
because then Yahoo! I'd have all my money back.